Three Principles for Quality Relationships
Ivy Griffin
Our relationships with loved ones can be some of our main sources of joy, connection, inspiration, and even healing. However, I think many of us can agree that relationships often can incite tension, communication challenges, and general emotional difficulty. Relationships need to be nourished, and effective communication is a skill set that takes practice and effort. Here are three principles to improve and maintain quality interaction in your close relationships.
1. Say what you mean, and do what you say.
All too often, people can get caught up in the minutiae of day to day hassles, work stress, and the ever changing state of the world. This can splash over into our relational interactions, particularly when we experience tension or hurt. All of a sudden “I’m struggling” turns into “whatever, it’s fine” and suddenly everyone is walking on eggshells!
Our loved ones are not mind readers. We may know this logically, but it is all too easy to let subtext become the dominator of our communication. Say what you mean, and be specific if you can! Furthermore, follow through with what you say you are going to do. Consistency and congruence between words and actions build trust.
2. “Out” your feelings
Sometimes it can feel easier in the moment to keep our emotional reactions to ourselves. This is especially true if the feeling itself is not preferred, or seems “illogical” or out of alignment with our “shoulds”. But sharing even the most complicated aspects of our internal experience fosters not only emotional transparency, but personal accountability. It can also be helpful to distinguish between an expression that simply needs to be heard for the sake of it, versus a disclosure that requires an action item.
For example, sharing for the sake of it might sound something like:
“Gosh, I’m feeling really disappointed that you had to cancel our date because of work, but I understand that it was out of your control. Thanks for hearing me out.”
Conversely, sometimes our feelings are signifiers of a need that isn’t being met:
“Hey, I’m feeling bummed that we haven’t spent much time together lately. Do you have availability this weekend to plan a date so we can catch up and reconnect?”
3. Approach conflict with curiosity
Personally, I find that this one takes practice and mindfulness. When conflict arises, most of us get “activated” or even “flooded” with intense emotions that can override our previously oh so calm, cool, and collected disposition. This is why during a tough discussion or argument, it can be helpful to slow down and ask:
“What is really happening here?”
“How am I actually feeling?”
“Why did I react so strongly to that?”
“Is there something I need?”
You may find that the argument at hand isn’t *really* about who needs to wash the dishes, but something else entirely, and being curious about it opens up space to discover what that is.
Take care,
Leigh Johnson, AMFT #117551
they/them, he/him
Supervised by Alexandra Garton, LMFT #84263
Thrive Therapy and Counseling
916-287-3430
leigh@thrivetherapyandcounseling.com