Three More Principles for Quality Relationships

A short while back, I wrote a post about improving the quality of close relationships. Relationships, however (and especially romantic ones!), are deeply complex emotional dynamics that require ongoing attention and care. Three tips for improving them just isn’t enough! So, here are three *more* principles to improve and maintain the quality of relationships in your life.

1. Use a Consent Model for Communication

While having clear and consistent communication is a great asset to any relationship, there are times where we might not be mentally or emotionally equipped for active listening or processing. This is why I find it helpful to ask for consent before entering a conversation regarding a heavy topic, or letting off emotional steam. This might sound something like, “hey, I had a really stressful day and I was wondering if I could vent to you about it for a few minutes. Do you have space for that?” This way, the listener can check in with how they feel and make a choice, instead of being inadvertently bombarded with verbal content out of the blue.

2. Empathy vs. Strategy

This is actually a tenet of the consent model of communication, but I find it important enough to speak to on its own. This principle can be very beneficial in situations where one person has expressed some sort of problem or, as in the example above, vented about something difficult. In some instances, that person might really need a listening ear, validation, or other kind of empathy. In other cases, the person might really be seeking solutions, assistance, or strategy to help them. So, try asking before responding, “would you like empathy or strategy right now?”.

3. Repair is Important

Unfortunately, things like quarrels and arguments and misinterpretations are sometimes simply just unavoidable. We are all flawed beings trying our best to maintain these many various connections in our lives. However, what I often find much more significant and lasting than the fight itself is how it is handled, or “repaired”, afterward. I cannot count how many times I’ve seen couples in TV shows have some big intense argument with one another, storm off, and then somehow “make up” without ever speaking of it again. Where’s the processing?! Where’s the repair work?! While this may make for good television, it does not make for good lasting relationships. Taking time to discuss what factors contributed to the altercation as well as acknowledging one’s own role in the interaction and explore what might be helpful to do differently in the future.

I hope these principles make themselves useful to you moving forward!

Best,

Leigh Johnson, AMFT #117551

they/them, he/him

Supervised by Alexandra Garton, LMFT #84263

Thrive Therapy and Counseling

leigh@thrivetherapyandcounseling.com