Friend break-ups
Ivy Griffin
Have you ever had a close friendship that ended? Sometimes it’s sparked by a huge falling out, other times it’s a slow, gradual distancing. Still, other times, it’s a sudden ghosting, and one friend is left confused and in the dark about what happened.
If you’ve ever found yourself in a similar situation, you probably already know how painful it can be. In our society, we don’t always recognize and honor the importance of friendships. Friends offer fun, support, play, connection, caring. We often open up and pour our hearts out to our good friends. Friendship can be both wonderfully supportive and incredibly vulnerable. Plus, good friends can be tough to find.
Did you know that when we’re forming a new friendship, the same pleasure centers in the brain get activated as when we’re beginning a new romantic relationship? All those feelings of excitement and closeness get stirred up. Whether it’s a new friendship or a friend we’ve had for a long time, having that relationship end can be heart-breaking and gut-wrenching.
This is especially true for teens, whose brains are already pushing them in every way possible toward their peers and away from their families, as they move toward that awkward period of launching from childhood into a version of adulthood.
So, if your teen is going through a friendship break-up, whether it’s with a bestie from elementary school (because, yep, it’s normal for lots of social changes to happen in adolescence) or a new friend from work, it hurts. Even if the friendship isn’t over but there’s fighting, tensions, and hurt feelings, it’s really rough.
To help your teen weather this storm:
Empathize. “This is so hard.” “I’m so sorry you’re going through this.” “It’s like your world turned upside down.” “Seems like you’re wondering how you’re even going to face them in 1st period tomorrow.” Reflect how you see your teen impacted by the loss of this friend, and try your best not to downplay or dismiss how your teen is feeling in the moment.
Next, offer support and coping skills. Give that same compassion that you would if your teen just broke up with a beloved boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other. “Do you want to talk about it?” “Would you like to have company or be left alone?” “Want to get your fav pizza for dinner and watch a movie?” “How about a nice, hot bath?” You can make suggestions, but try not to push or nag. It’s okay if your kid needs to sob alone in their room or stay in bed for a while.
Keep the invitation for communication open. “I’m here if you want to talk about it.”
Offer your own experiences around friendships or other relationships ending. “You know, I remember when my best friend and I had this huge falling out in college. It was awful. Wanna hear about it?” Any mention of you or someone you both know going through something similar can help remind your teen that it’s normal for friendships to end sometimes and that they’re not alone.
Be realistic. Validate that sometimes friendships can be repaired. Just because there’s been a big falling out doesn’t have to mean the relationship is over forever. Of course, this depends on a LOT of details, including your kid and their friend’s interest and willingness to work through any damage done. So, you don’t want to make any empty promises while offering up that getting through a falling out is sometimes a possibility.
Teenage emotions run so big (thanks biology!), and as adolescents, we don’t have that benefit of having been through many things before. This makes it easy for situations to get blown out of proportion. Offering support, kindness, and a sense of perspective (after the initial upset) can go a long way in helping your teen get through a big loss like a friendship ending.
And, kudos to you for helping your kiddo through such a tough time!
All the best,
Ivy
Ivy Griffin, LMFT # 51714, Director
Thrive Therapy & Counseling
she/hers