The Bravery in Breaking Up, Part 3 - The “Now What?”

It’s over. 

… Well, at least the logistical act of “breaking up” has occurred. Making the decision was tough enough, and actually enacting that decision was perhaps even harder, but nothing really feels “over” about the huge transition you’re facing right now. You may have expected to feel relieved or empowered, but the initial rush of getting what you thought would be the hard part out of the way has faded and left you with uncertainty. Is there a best way to grieve a relationship? How does one effectively move on? In other words: “Now what??”

In some cases, a big factor in determining the emotional (and logistical) trajectory of your post-breakup process is your personal feelings about how the breakup process went. Details like whether or not you decided to keep in touch, if the decision was mutual or not, and how safe and respected you felt throughout the process all add nuance and complexity to how you might proceed. However, I believe that there are some universally relevant and helpful realities to keep in mind to aid in healing and treating oneself with gentleness during this painful phase.

* Of note, I find these points most relevant for processing the ending of a long term relationship. That being said, I think there’s some truth to all of this for a romantic relationship of any length of time, so long as the relationship was emotionally significant.

1. You’re probably still going to think about them. A lot. And for a while. You’ll be struck to reach out simply out of habit, to check in like you used to do or to share a piece of news. You’ll replay memories in vivid detail, rehearse perfect retorts to imaginary argument criticisms, remember long ago stories they told you. You’ll feel like there’s still so much more to say, more of your side to explain, to be heard.

   What you can do: Keep a journal and write down all the thoughts, the feelings, even the ugly ones. No, *especially* the ugly ones. Script out your imaginary arguments. Let yourself win every time. Burn the pages. Keep the pages. Document the mundane. Ramble until you don’t need to anymore. This can help with the “I’m so used to talking to them everyday” feeling. It can also be helpful to ask a friend if they are open to being an occasional (or frequent, if needed) “journal space”. I have a dear friend who, when going through a particularly difficult breakup, I would message and say (yes, in all caps) “I AM GOING TO MESSAGE YOU THESE WORDS SO THAT I DON’T SAY THEM TO SO-AND-SO”. It helps.

2. Feelings are not going to be linear. There will be days where you’ll feel just fine, and other days you’ll be back to sobbing on the shower floor. This doesn’t mean that you’ve backtracked, or that you’re not *actually* healing, or any of that the progress you’ve made thus far isn’t still wonderful, important progress. The grief will come in waves, and it might take you off guard sometimes.

   What you can do: Try to establish a routine. It doesn’t have to be strict or laborious - “wake up, drink tea, run an errand or two, call a friend, scroll the internet, go to bed” is a perfectly suitable example. If possible, try to wake up and head to sleep around roughly the same times each day and night (only if that feels feasible!). Ritual can help you feel more stable even when your emotions seem to be going rogue. Staying focused on “the next thing” in a sequence can help fortify a sense of control

3. Speaking of not linear, you may start to get the whole “bargaining” thing that people talk about when they talk about the stages of grief. It’s not a literal translation, but instead something that happens when you find yourself veering into “what if” territory. What if you had just tried a little harder? What if one or both of you had gone to therapy? Or more therapy? What if you had held on a little longer?

   
   What you can do: This may not be a common perspective, but I actually think it’s ok to indulge these thoughts once in a while. Sometimes as humans, playing out these stories can provide a sort of outlet or protection from the overwhelming rawness of grief. So go ahead and wonder a little bit here and there if it helps you move through this stage. More often than not, you’ll likely find yourself back to the same decision that you spent so long initially coming to terms with at the start of this journey. Regardless of the what ifs, the reality is that the circumstances *do* exist that make being together untenable right now.

4. You might start to think that you’re the only one who has felt this heartbroken. Everyone goes through breakups, so why is it THIS HARD for just you? You even remember how easily you recovered from past relationships that ended, so what’s all this emotional turmoil about?!

   What you can do: Trust your friends when they ask if you need anything. You are not annoying. You do not need to be “over it already". Accepting help gives people in your life the opportunity to feel not only good about themselves but closer and more connected to you. You deserve to be reminded of what it feels like to be cared for too!

5. When you do start to feel open to even *thinking* about dating again, it’s going to feel weird. Sure, it will also be exciting! But there might be times where the idea of being with someone new feels almost like betraying your former partner - this is especially true if your most recent relationship was monogamous. You might also feel differing levels of readiness at different times.

   What you can do: Let yourself be a little wafty. You don’t owe anyone your commitment, you get to decide what level of contact and interaction feels ok for you. Set your own pace. Just be sure to communicate consistently, even if - well, especially if - your feelings change about what you want.
   When you *are* ready to engage in a new relationship, notice and celebrate the differences - and not just the differences you notice in your new partner-to-be. Observe the differences within yourself, your own experience. Get to know yourself in a new way, let yourself be reminded of something about yourself that you’ve been missing. All relationships bring out different qualities within us, so enjoy what you learn and discover!

You have done a brave thing that will only strengthen the trust you have for yourself. Again, the hurt will come and go, and parts of this healing process are going to be almost comically strange and unpunctual. But you will move through it! And you have a lot to look forward to as you do.

If you are finding you are needing more support, as always, please reach out.

All the best,

Leigh Johnson, AMFT #117551

they/them, he/him

Supervised by Alexandra Garton, MFT #84163

http://thrivetherapyandcounseling.com/leigh-johnson