How to Disentangle Yourself From The Web of Enmeshment
Ivy Griffin
Have you ever heard your therapist use the term enmeshment or refer to two people in a relationship as entangled? If so, I am here to talk about how to support you in learning about how to stand in your power against enmeshment. Enmeshment is a bond that impacts one’s ability to experience autonomy and creates a complex and skewed sense of intimacy. Enmeshment can make it difficult to develop a strong sense of self. It can also lead to blurred boundaries, where roles and expectations are mixed up and there becomes an over-reliance on another person.
Some examples of enmeshment include:
A mother who calls her child's ex-partner to ask why they broke up
Someone who is deeply challenged by making life decisions without consulting their parents first
A family member who takes it personally when someone else in the family moves away
Feeling responsible for someone else's feelings
A partner who has trouble trusting the other person and tries to control thoughts, feelings, behaviors
There are many reasons why one finds themselves battling against enmeshment and it's not a battle against another individual. I want us to look at enmeshment as a separate entity, a pattern that impacts both individuals or systems involved. This way we are not pointing the finger at one another, and working together as a team against the challenge at hand (enmeshment).
Impacts of enmeshment are as follows:
Fear of conflict
Challenges in relationships
Low self-esteem or sense of self
Feeling disconnected from the world
Continued harmful cycles of relational patterns
Guilt that you aren’t as close as you ‘should’ be to someone
The impact of enmeshment and how it may show up in your life should be discussed with a qualified therapist who can guide you through disentangling from enmeshment. The impact of enmeshment is not a ‘one size fits all’ kind of scenario and should be honored as such. There can be other factors that either work with or against enmeshment that should also be processed with a competent therapist.
Some tips for responding to enmeshment include:
Recognizing when enmeshment shows up
Exploring your boundaries/needs
Communicating boundaries (I feel ____ when (enmeshment) ____, If _____, then I will ____).
Being prepared for pushback, the power of enmeshment can be strong!
Start small and honor each step of the way from disentangling from enmeshment
Rely on your resources! Here at Thrive as well as many other therapists are here to support you.
You are not alone! There are so many people, including folks like myself who have been impacted by enmeshment. The first, last, and all the steps in between separating from enmeshment, are strengthening your relationship with self-compassion. The journey may be long, but it’s worth the time it takes to find your strength and inner power. If you are impacted by the web of enmeshment, please don't hesitate to reach out and connect with one of our esteemed clinicians here at Thrive!
In solidarity,
Dre Merkey LMFT# 145327
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