“I don't want to be a burden”: How the mask of invulnerability may be hurting your relationships

I don't want to be a burden.

I don't wanna put my stuff on other people. 

I don't want to seem weak or needy.

These phrases might be familiar if you've learned that it's not okay to have needs, or that others’ needs are more important than yours. There are a number of reasons this might be the case: you might be an HSP (highly sensitive person), you might have grown up in a family where needs weren't discussed, you might have received messages from the dominant culture that your needs are unimportant, maybe all of the above. You might believe that the only way you can get love is by suppressing your needs, but it actually might be hurting your relationships.  

Being Vulnerable Can Be Scary

One could easily think that being vulnerable is natural and comfortable for HSPs, but that’s not necessarily the case. If you grew up in an environment in which there was no room for your needs, having or expressing them might feel painful or even threatening. You might have started suppressing your needs, or even denying you have them, at a very young age. But having needs for compassion, affection, and respect are as natural as the needs for food and sleep. Without them, we cannot thrive. 

Resentment

Feeling vulnerable emotions like sadness and disappointment help us to identify our needs and express them, giving others a chance to meet them if they're able and willing. When we suppress our needs for fear of being a burden, we add another need on top of our original needs – the need to be appreciated for staying silent. We may find that over time, we become resentful of the other person for not recognizing how hard we're working not to be a burden. For HSPs, having a kind and generous spirit may be a big part of our identity, so feelings like resentment may feel foreign or even threatening. Ultimately, these emotions are a chance for us to adapt, grow, and experience more satisfying connections. 

The Chance to Be Supportive 

Suppressing our needs also deprives our loved ones of opportunities to support us in meaningful ways. If you've ever learned someone was hiding their needs from you, you know how it feels to be deprived of the opportunity to be there for them. You may say to them, “I wish you'd told me sooner” – others may feel this way towards us as well. Feeling needed can be an enriching part of our relationships that helps build intimacy.  

Authentic Bonds

We may also lose the opportunity to identify and develop authentic, deep connections with others if we hide our vulnerability. For example, if we suppress our desire for regular communication, we may find ourselves in relationships with people who don't communicate as often as we'd like, leaving us feeling inauthentic and dissatisfied. Whereas, if we express this need up front, we're more likely to get it met within the relationship or to realize we're not the best match. The time and energy we use suppressing our vulnerability is better spent finding people with whom we can be ourselves. 

When we develop a certain pattern to help us feel safe, change can be difficult and scary. Working with a professional who understands high sensitivity can help us to develop coping tools that enhance our sense of safety and take steps toward change that feel meaningful and manageable. If you’re an HSP, and struggle with vulnerability, please reach out. We'd love to help. 

Warmly,

Ileana Arganda-Stevens, LMFT# 129032

Therapist/Program Manager/Supervisor 

she/her