We are living through extremely difficult times right now. Stress, fear, anxiety, and animosity seem to be at an all-time high. The news cycle can be overwhelming and yet, we can’t tear ourselves away. What is the best way to respond in times like this? Should we be watching more or less news? Following social media or turning off our phones completely? Donating time and money to worthy causes? What is the answer and how can we do it in a way that isn’t completely exhausting?
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Have you been feeling worn down, burned out, or exhausted to your very core? Most of us have been there, we’re there right now, or we’ll be there again. As Hemingway wrote, “the world breaks everyone.” Being human means that we’ll know loss and struggle, that there’ll be times when life goes along smoothly and times when it’s all we can do to slowly inch our way forward.
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As you prepare for the onslaught of holiday cheer, I want you to sit with me here and just take a moment for yourself; to breathe, and to be. Slowly breathe in and out. And as you slowly breathe in I want you to call to mind a stress or worry on your shoulders . . .
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I don't want to be a burden. I don't wanna put my stuff on other people. I don't want to seem weak or needy.
These phrases might be familiar if you've learned that it's not okay to have needs, or that others’ needs are more important than yours. There are a number of reasons this might be the case: you might be an HSP (highly sensitive person), you might have grown up in a family where needs weren't discussed, you might have received messages from the dominant culture that your needs are unimportant, maybe all of the above. You might believe that the only way you can get love is by suppressing your needs, but it actually might be hurting your relationships.
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In April, I wrote about supporting teens in a seemingly unstable world. Since then, most would agree that the world at large hasn’t gotten any more normal. Dysfunctional politics, news of humanitarian disasters and inhumane conflicts, illusionment through social media, the looming threat of unaddressed climate change, inflation and economic stress; these are part of our shared reality, the boat we’re all in together.
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Whenever someone says, “I have a surprise for you”, my first thought is usually, “Is it good or bad?”. We tend to want to put things into categories to make them more manageable. Putting something into a category may help us feel more prepared and less likely to be blindsided by something unpleasant. But putting things into black and white categories can also have drawbacks. We may find ourselves frequently categorizing people and things as bad and feeling anxious or exhausted by all the bad stuff we encounter.
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So this message today is for all my caregivers, whether you are the adult child of an aging parent, someone who is helping their spouse through health issues, an aunt, uncle, grandparent, or even an older sibling who is looking out for a child.
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“I just don't want to feel as much.”
“I don't want to be as easily upset by things.”
“I just want things to roll off my back.”
If you’ve ever experienced emotional overwhelm, flooding, or intense sadness or anger in response to something someone said or did, you might have experienced reactivity. These experiences can be a lot and they can make us worry that we are a lot. Because of the automatic nature of reactivity, it can feel as though change is impossible, but there is absolutely hope and things we can do to improve our coping skills.
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For too many of us, shame brings order to the world -- order feels like control and control feels like safety. But it's the type of safety that results from hypervigilance to threat -- an illusory safety in which we give up our enjoyment of the present moment for constant reassurance that we are not being harmed. This reassurance is so fleeting that we must constantly chase it, and that can be exhausting.
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Holding healthy boundaries is a mental health and well-being phrase that seems to get passed around a lot lately, but what does it actually mean? When we are encouraged to hold healthy boundaries we are actively taking measures to implement limits which safeguard our mental and emotional well-being. These safeguards can prevent burnout, stress, frustration, and resentment between ourselves, loved ones, friends and colleagues.
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We’ve all had moments where we’ve been less-than-kind to ourselves. We might have struggled to accomplish something and called ourselves either out loud or internally things like failure, lazy, stupid or even worthless. In the moment, it probably doesn’t feel like such a big deal, we might even feel like we deserve it, or we minimize and tell ourselves it isn’t so bad since we only did it once or twice. But the fact of the matter is that word choice is a powerful thing, and every time we direct harsh negativity towards ourselves we are essentially feeding ourselves poison.
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“I want to relax but I feel constantly anxious, like the other shoe is about to drop.”
Hypervigilance can be draining and painful and sometimes makes us feel hopeless. We long for respite from the constant physical tension and the marathon of thoughts running through our heads. How do we swap our experiences of frequent anxiety and fleeting calm for more frequent calm and fleeting anxiety?
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There can be so much anxiety when interacting with medical professionals. We wait weeks, maybe even months for an appointment, and the second we get in the room it can feel like all the air has left the space, and we might feel ourselves shrinking and pulling in. The second they start to speak it can feel like all our well grounded points and concerns were a house of cards and we have trouble asserting ourselves due to nerves or anxiety. For many this ends in deferring to the authority of the professional in the room, even if we don’t agree. When we leave we might be left feeling unheard, dissatisfied and sometimes even gaslit.
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“I am so tired but I can’t sleep.”
“Sometimes I don’t realize how tense I am until something starts to hurt.”
“I feel like I’m ALWAYS planning, always trying to anticipate the next thing.”
Simultaneous exhaustion and nervous energy are common experiences for people who struggle with feelings of anxiety. You desperately want to relax but your body and mind just can’t let go. We think to ourselves “If I could just plan enough, do enough, be enough, THEN I can relax.” But this rarely ever happens. How do we get out of this cycle so we can rest?
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Change is hard. We've tried a million times to change in the past and it always works for a time before slowly reverting back to the way it was before. We feel tired, disappointed, and hopeless. “Why do I even try?” we ask ourselves. “There's got to be a better way”.
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