People-Pleasing in Young Adults: Where It Comes From
Ivy Griffin
You say “yes” before you’ve even considered what you want. You feel guilty setting boundaries. You replay conversations, worried someone might be upset with you. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
People-pleasing isn’t just about being kind or agreeable—it’s often a deeply ingrained pattern rooted in early experiences. For many young adults, especially those navigating new relationships, identities, or responsibilities, people-pleasing can feel like the only way to stay connected, safe, or liked.
But where does it come from? And more importantly—how do you start to unlearn it?
The Origins of People-Pleasing
People-pleasing doesn’t appear out of nowhere. It often begins in childhood, especially in environments where emotional needs weren’t consistently met or where love and safety felt conditional.
If you grew up in a home where:
Conflict was scary or unsafe
You were praised for being “easy,” “low-maintenance,” or “the good kid”
Caregivers relied on you emotionally or expected perfection
Emotional expression was discouraged or ignored
...you may have learned that prioritizing others’ needs was the way to stay connected and avoid rejection.
As you move into young adulthood, those patterns don’t just disappear. In fact, they often get louder when you’re navigating new roles, like being a partner, student, employee, or friend.
Why Young Adults Are Especially Vulnerable
Young adulthood is full of change—new relationships, academic or career pressure, identity exploration, and often, physical or emotional distance from the people and places you grew up around.
That can stir up a lot of internal questions:
“Am I doing enough?”
“What if they think I’m selfish?”
“Will they still like me if I say no?”
Without the tools to pause and reflect, people-pleasing can become a default strategy. You might avoid conflict, say yes to everything, or constantly monitor others’ reactions. It can be exhausting—and it often leaves you disconnected from your own needs.
The Hidden Cost of Being “Too Nice”
There’s nothing wrong with being considerate or thoughtful. But when your people-pleasing comes at the expense of your own wellbeing, the impact can be serious.
You may notice:
Chronic anxiety or burnout
Difficulty identifying what you want
Resentment that builds up silently
Trouble making decisions without others’ input
Loss of authenticity in relationships
This can be especially painful for highly sensitive people (HSPs), who naturally pick up on others’ emotions. For LGBTQ+ young adults, there may also be added pressure to gain acceptance or avoid rejection in environments that haven’t always felt affirming.
The result? A life that looks good on the outside but feels hollow or unmanageable on the inside.
How Therapy Can Help You Break the Cycle
Unlearning people-pleasing doesn’t mean becoming cold or uncaring. It means learning to bring yourself into the equation. Therapy creates space to explore where your patterns come from, why they made sense at one point, and how you can begin to shift them.
Some of the ways we support young adults struggling with people-pleasing at Thrive Therapy & Counseling include:
Identifying your emotional needs (and learning how to name them)
Exploring the roots of guilt and perfectionism
Practicing boundary-setting in real-time
Processing past experiences of emotional neglect or invalidation
Rebuilding your relationship with self-trust and intuition
We might also integrate modalities like brainspotting to access and release stored emotional patterns, or expressive arts therapy to reconnect with parts of yourself that haven’t had a voice in a long time.
You Don’t Have to Earn Your Place
One of the hardest truths for people-pleasers to internalize is this: you are allowed to take up space. You are allowed to have needs. You are allowed to disappoint people sometimes.
It’s not selfish—it’s human.
When you start showing up more fully in your own life, something shifts. Relationships get more honest. Your anxiety begins to ease. You stop over-apologizing for simply being who you are.
And while it takes time, therapy can be a powerful place to begin that journey.
A Different Kind of Support Starts Here
At Thrive Therapy & Counseling, we work with young adults across the Greater Sacramento area—including West Sacramento, Natomas, Davis, and Elk Grove—who are ready to let go of people-pleasing and reconnect with their true selves.
We offer both in-person and online therapy options so you can get the support you need in a way that fits your life.
If you’re feeling tired of always putting others first, we invite you to get in touch or explore more about our therapy for people-pleasing and perfectionism. There’s room for your voice here.