Decoding the Inner Critic
Ivy Griffin
Do you ever feel frustrated when you're trying to figure out where the voice of your inner critic came from? Or why it's so strong? Perhaps your therapist has even asked you this in sessions and you repeatedly draw a blank. This can be so frustrating when we're trying to make sense of things and find some relief.
The truth is, while the messages we internalize are sometimes spoken, they're often unspoken. This is one of the reasons it can be difficult to identify where overly critical, shaming self-talk comes from. Unspoken messages may be the result of interpretations we made as children, trying to make sense out of complex situations and emotions we had a limited ability to understand. Let me give some examples.
As a kid, you go to your parent with a concern about something and your parent's reaction is to sigh loudly or say "Oh, honey, it's going to be fine, don't worry" or "What do you want me to do about it?" – If our concerns are repeatedly dismissed instead of addressed, we may come to believe we are exhausting or stupid to worry or perhaps that there’s something wrong with us for feeling the way that we do.
You're playing rambunctiously with your sibling and your parent scolds you for making too much noise or making a mess. You see the anger on their face or hear it in their voice. – The spoken message might be "Stop being so loud/messy" but in our child's mind, we've upset the person we're completely dependent upon for love and care. If our parent is often emotionally unavailable due to stress or their own wounding, we may feel as though our ability to obtain love and care is threatened. We might start to associate having fun or being carefree with upsetting our only source of support. We then tell ourselves whenever we’re feeling too carefree, "Be careful."
Your family is attending a special function and your parent lays out the least comfortable outfit you own. The cloth doesn't feel good, you hate the way it looks, perhaps you even feel embarrassed when you wear it so you protest. Your parent says "Come on, we have to look nice." They give an exasperated sigh or they say "But you look darling in it, I bought it especially for you, you'll hurt my feelings if you don't wear it." – The spoken messages are not overtly negative but if we hear them enough, we may come to believe "Saying 'no' is hurtful", "You're exhausting" or "Your preferences don't matter".
While none of these instances in isolation are enough to cause long-term harm, over time, with enough repetition, the unspoken messages become stronger and begin to shape the way we think and act. Again, because the adults in our lives are our sole source of support and survival when we're growing up, we will do anything to protect our bond with them and make sense of confusing or painful circumstances. Because we can't understand our parents' behavior or our circumstances at times, we make up explanations that make sense to us and give us a sense of agency. "If I caused this painful experience, I can prevent it by behaving just right."
As you can see, our minds are complex. We're constantly interpreting our experiences and attempting to make sense out of them. You might also be able to see how our inner critic started out trying to help us. It was ultimately trying to preserve our relationships with our parents(s) and help us to make sense out of confusing or painful circumstances so we could feel safe.
But the conclusions we draw as children lead to magical thinking in which we believe we have the ability to control others' feelings and behavior. This can lead to depression when we feel we've "failed" to make others treat us well and anxiety when we're trying to control the way others see us and treat us. As our understanding grows, we begin to see that this belief is impossible and unhealthy. Grieving the loss of this belief can be an important part of letting it go and making room for healthier mindsets and behavior like “I can only control my own responses” and “Consistent self-care helps me to exercise more agency over how I respond to my circumstances.” If you need support, please feel free to reach out.
Best,
Ileana Arganda-Stevens, LMFT#129032
Therapist and Program Manager
Thrive Therapy and Counseling
https://thrivetherapyandcounseling.com/ileana-arganda
916-287-3430