When You Feel Like You're Falling Behind
Ivy Griffin
Ever feel like you’re just not as far along as you should be with managing things like finances, your health, or care for yourself and your home? Is it a struggle to motivate? Are you scared to ask for help from other adults because they might judge you? There might be good reasons you’re feeling this way and they might stem from childhood.
You might think, “My childhood was fine. I had food, clothes and shelter. Why do I feel behind in certain areas?” Yes, food, clothes, and shelter are important necessities but there are other tools we need to thrive. We also need basic skills to navigate relationships, care for our physical and mental well-being, and to manage our finances. A lot of these things, we learn by seeing how our caregivers do them and also when we play (store, hospital, house, etc.).
Our parents also help guide our decisions when we’re still developing foresight. This might take the form of saying things like “You can’t have dessert until you’ve eaten your vegetables.” or “You need to go play outside so you can get some exercise.” For more complex concepts like money, they might give us an allowance, invite us to help them with shopping, or even encourage us to start up our own little business to make money to buy the things we want. But not all of us receive this type of support.
There are a lot of reasons why this might not happen and it’s not necessarily because our caregivers don’t want to do these things for us. They might be stressed out or struggling to meet their own needs and might lack support from outside resources that would allow them to give us the time and attention we need. No matter the reason, it’s not our fault that we didn’t learn these things growing up.
When I work with clients who are just now learning self-care, how to manage their finances, or even how to identify their needs and feelings I support and encourage them to activate the supportive parent inside themselves. I might suggest they talk to themselves this way: “You don’t have to figure it out all at once, let’s just take things one step at a time.” We might even tell ourselves “I love you enough to do this for you (eat healthy, exercise, speak with a financial counselor, save money).” Practicing this type of self-love can help us to stay motivated as we grow and also recognize and feel good about the hard work we’re doing.
This type of work is not easy and we may experience shame, frustration, and embarrassment as we go along. Don’t be afraid to reach out for support. A therapist with experience working with CEN (childhood emotional neglect) or complex family dynamics can offer acceptance and encouragement on your journey of personal growth and healing.
Warmly,
Ileana Arganda-Stevens, LMFT#129032
Thrive therapist and Program Manager
https://thrivetherapyandcounseling.com/ileana-arganda
916-287-3430