Increasing Personal Responsibility Through Self-Compassion
Ivy Griffin
Ever notice that taking responsibility can feel scary sometimes? Like you'd rather let someone else make decisions for you? Or maybe you avoid taking control of your finances because you feel bad at math or you feel ashamed you don't know more about budgeting. Perhaps you leave everything up to the universe and hope for the best while fearing the worst. You are NOT alone!
When I decided to look at my finances in my 30s, I was filled with anxiety and shame about my perceived lack of knowledge about finances. But I felt that avoiding the topic was holding me back from things I wanted to do in my life so I found a financial counselor. And you know what she told me? Most people don't even know what's in their bank account. She immediately dispelled the lie I was telling myself about being behind everyone else. Over the next year, we crunched the numbers, set goals, worked through some shame, and built up my confidence in the process.
When we have really unrealistic expectations of ourselves, the likelihood we'll fall short is quite high. When we are hard on ourselves for falling short, mistakes feel scary. And when mistakes are scary, we're less likely to try things out. This also makes taking responsibility scary and much less likely. The more responsibility we place on others or the universe for our happiness or livelihood, the more anxiety we feel and the more blame and resentment we feel towards others when things don't go well.
Unrealistic expectations + harsh criticism for perceived failures = mistakes and responsibility are avoided
Realistic expectations + self-compassion = mistakes aren't scary/responsibility is possible
How can we increase our personal responsibility?
Set realistic expectations for yourself – Start small. I can't emphasize this enough. Start with what feels most doable to you. Achieving small stuff helps us to gain confidence and build momentum.
Give yourself credit – You can't build momentum unless you give yourself recognition for every step you take. It doesn't have to be over-the-top "Yay, me!" Just be honest "This was a step towards something that's really important to me and that's significant."
Forgive yourself for being human – The gentler we are with ourselves about our slips and falls, the easier it is to get back up and keep trying. Let "You're human" become a mantra.
Reduce unrealistic and shaming messaging – Unfortunately, shame and "not enough-ness" are what drive much of capitalism and power dynamics in our society. Recognizing the sources of these messages (media, other people) and making efforts to reduce our exposure to them can be an important part of creating a healthier mental environment for ourselves that is more conducive to trying new things and taking more responsibility.
This is not a one-and-done type of deal. This is something we practice every day. But the commitment we make to ourselves is part of what fills us with pride and satisfaction for our efforts. If you'd like some support to stop beating up on yourself and start taking more personal responsibility, don't hesitate to reach out!
Best,
Ileana Arganda-Stevens, LMFT# 129032
Therapist and Program Manager
https://thrivetherapyandcounseling.com/ileana-arganda
916-287-3430