Befriending Our Shadows as HSPs
Ivy Griffin
As highly sensitive people (HSPs), we may know ourselves to be conscientious, thoughtful, empathic and attuned to others’ emotional states. We might also be aware that these qualities make us much less likely to treat others harshly. Thus, experiencing uncomfortable emotions like resentment or jealousy or learning that we’ve hurt someone’s feelings may be particularly difficult for us. We may even start to question ourselves, “How could I feel this way? What’s wrong with me?” Let’s dive a little deeper to learn why we might feel this way and how we can better understand ourselves.
We all think of ourselves as possessing certain character-defining qualities like honesty, a good sense of humor, or generosity – these form our sense of self or identity. Our identity can give us a sense of belonging with others like us and in the world. It can help us to better understand ourselves and lead to self-exploration. But like everything, identifying strongly with certain qualities can also have its downsides. For example, if we see ourselves as highly empathic, we may be shocked or even devastated to learn we’ve hurt someone’s feelings. We might be so hard on ourselves that we have trouble initiating repair with the other person due to feelings of embarrassment or shame.
Our shadow sides contain the parts of us that we may be less familiar and less comfortable with. For example, due to our sensitivity, we may be highly attuned to painful emotions that result from someone getting angry. Thus, we may decide – consciously or not – that anger is scary or harmful and we won’t have that feeling. We might say, “I’m just not an angry person”. We may cut ourselves off from these feelings, denying we have them or punishing ourselves harshly if we do. But anger, like all emotions, is a natural part of being human – if we don’t have it, it will have us.
Cutting ourselves off from certain emotions is kind of like trying to push a beach ball underwater, it eventually pops up! And sometimes hits us in the face! Our cutoff anger may surface in ways destructive to us and our relationships like self-aggression, passive aggression, or poor communication and boundaries. On the other hand, befriending this shadow part may help us improve in all these areas.
How do we befriend our shadows?
Start with identifying your shadow parts – this can be done by making a list of the personal qualities you identify easily with and thinking of their opposites. It can also be useful to think about the qualities in others that elicit strong emotions from you. Does others’ anger or “selfishness” make you deeply uncomfortable? These might be some of your more shadowy qualities.
Practice non-judgment – When you think of these qualities in yourself and others, try describing them without value judgments like “bad” or “mean”. Try describing them with words like “intense”, “unfamiliar”, or “uncomfortable”. Over time, this may help diminish the sting of acknowledging you have these qualities too.
Get curious – Start a dialogue with these qualities. Ask them, “What is it you want me to know?” or “What’s a perspective I have yet to consider?” Be patient and go slow as you listen for the answers. Journal to let your thoughts flow freely.
Getting to know our shadow qualities can be difficult and invigorating. We may find that as we get to know ourselves more fully, we feel more at ease with the feelings that used to make us uncomfortable. As always, if you need support with this work, reach out!
Warmly,
Ileana Arganda-Stevens, LMFT# 129032
Thrive therapist/program manager/supervisor