Back in the Swing of Things: Considerations for Conversations Around the Return to School
Ivy Griffin
It feels like just yesterday summer kicked off to a raucous start and now for families with teens summer is coming closer to winding down. And with the close of summer on the horizon, I would encourage you to start planting seeds with your teens about the return to school, especially if they had a difficult time last year or tend to struggle in school historically. Reflection is a key part of developing mindful awareness, and doing so will not only support your teen in navigating potential pitfalls more effectively but help designate you as someone they can come to if and when they need support. There are a few key factors to keep in mind when attempting this.
Number of Questions: One of the biggest complaints I hear from teen clients around how their parents or guardians approach communicating about school is the number of questions asked. Eager or anxious parents often ask what feels like a flood of questions (although in reality it may only be 2 or 3) in a short period of time because they see an opening and are scared that if the window closes they’ll miss their chance. This, unfortunately, is often overwhelming for your teen and more often than not leads to them either shutting down or lashing out. Take a moment to reflect by yourself on ONE question you’d like to explore further with your teen to start.
Telling vs Asking: Another area where many parents misstep is by telling instead of asking. When we are telling, we are assuming that we understand all the factors and variables involved, however, there may be more pieces to the puzzle than we realized–maybe they were being bullied, the teacher’s teaching style wasn’t conducive to their learning style, struggling with anxiety, didn’t have the proper materials or were embarrassed to admit they didn’t understand something. By asking instead of telling, we give our teens the opportunity to open up about potentially more vulnerable information. In addition, it also creates opportunities for them to start learning how to identify and access different resources and supports. A parent telling may sound something like, “You really messed up last year. You can’t afford to do that again. You need to_____.” Whereas, a parent asking may sound more like, “Hey, school’s gonna be starting soon and it seems like you struggled last year. Is there anything we can do differently to support you/are there any supports you think you may need?”
Allow Space for Uncertainty: Now, there is a good chance you may have thought about what you want to ask and have it all teed up for a great conversation only to be met with the dreaded, “I don’t know,” it’s cousin, “I’m not sure,” or the shoulder shrug. It’s easy to get frustrated when we’re feeling stonewalled, but remember, they truly may not know or be sure and us responding in a frustrated manner will only work to close the door to communication further. Instead, try practicing empathy by taking a moment to reflect on how you felt as a teen being plied for answers when you didn’t have any-did you feel confused, embarrassed, overwhelmed, or even frustrated with yourself? Chances are your teen may be feeling the same way.
Time and Space to Marinate: Which leads to my next point, parenting is an ongoing task and as much as we’d love to tackle communication around a specific topic and get it off the to do list this may not be the best approach. Communication should be an ongoing process, because sometimes we ask the question they haven’t thought about before and the best thing we can do is plant the seed by asking the question and then giving them time and space to marinate on it, so that answers may blossom. Now, often people ask how much time is right--this will differ from person to person but generally give them at least a few days (3-5 days) being mindful of what demands they have on their time, before you approach them about it again, to give them the opportunity to reflect. “Hey, it’s okay sometimes we don’t know. But I really want to support you better this year. So think about it, and if you have any new thoughts about it at any time, just let me know.”
Communication with our teens can feel overwhelming to navigate but these attempted conversations showcase our efforts to be present and engaged with our children. It reminds them that we are here for them, and they are not alone. Here’s to wishing you all the best in helping your kid have a better school year than the last.
With warm regards,
Megan Bell, LMFT # 114303
Thrive Therapy & Counseling
2131 Capitol Ave, Suite 306
Sacramento, CA, 95816