Are you a parent who struggles to talk or with your teen? If the answer is yes I’m sure you won’t be shocked that you are not alone! Sometimes it can feel like teenagers speak an entirely different language. The teenage years can be so complicated, so many ups and downs, so much misunderstanding! And in times of distress as a parent it is normal to want to have control, to experience anxiety for your child’s future and to focus on all the “ you shoulds” and “you need to”. But when we focus so hard on who we want our teenager to be and what we believe they should do we miss out on their own authentic evolution and this often exacerbates self doubt and can even push them further away.
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It feels like just yesterday summer kicked off to a raucous start and now for families with teens summer is coming closer to winding down. And with the close of summer on the horizon, I would encourage you to start planting seeds with your teens about the return to school, especially if they had a difficult time last year or tend to struggle in school historically. Reflection is a key part of developing mindful awareness, and doing so will not only support your teen in navigating potential pitfalls more effectively but help designate you as someone they can come to if and when they need support. There are a few key factors to keep in mind when attempting this.
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As a therapist who works with teens, a constant experience I hear from parents is the struggle to truly connect with them. The adolescent years can be a complex time for both teens and parents as teens are navigating a newfound desire for independence. This experience can leave the parent-child relationship feeling strained and distant. However, fostering a strong bond and quality time can provide benefits for a teen’s overall well-being.
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Do you see your teen lounging around--eyes glued to their phone constantly--and worry about what kind of adult they’re going to become? You might be frustrated with your kid’s low energy , with their ability to sleep 17 hours a day, or with how you have to tell them 8 times to unload the dishwasher, and you wonder when they’ll finally get it together.
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There’s an app for just about everything at this point so it should come as no surprise that there are apps for venting. When it comes to our teens, the idea of letting them venture into yet another unknown social media realm can feel daunting. So here are a few things to keep in mind if your teen asks to download a venting app, or shares that they have.
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As a parent, watching your teen begin the complex journey of self-discovery and identity development can feel like an emotional roller coaster. At times you may feel at odds with their means of self-expression or find it challenging to broach the conversation about identity with your teen who feels more resistant to opening up than ever before. Finding the balance between respecting your teens' unique journey and desire for greater independence with guidance and support can feel like an impossible juggling act!
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Teens have a lot of pressure on them these days. They’re a generation that’s more “on” and connected than ever before. They can feel pressure from friends and peers to constantly be available online and responding to messages (or risk missing out on important social happenings), they may feel the stress of navigating AP classes or taking college classes in conjunction with their regular high school coursework, and many teens can fixate on worrying about their SAT/ACT scores, GPAs, extra-curriculars, athletics, and what all of those mean for what colleges they will get into. Many teens believe that making the “right” decisions around college will dictate the course of their entire lives, their income, and their future happiness.
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Sometimes it can seem like teens completely tune out (or want nothing to do with) adults, especially authority figures, even more so--their parents. This can leave parents feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. “He’s not getting his homework done, but how am I supposed to get him on the right track when he won’t listen to me?!” “She seems irritable and agitated a lot these days, but when I ask what’s wrong, she rolls her eyes or grumbles, ‘nothing.’ How do I get through to her?”
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Maybe you don’t trust them - they seem controlling, clingy, or possessive. Perhaps you don’t like how your teenager acts differently around them, like a totally different person with different interests and tastes and even style. It could also be that you’ve noticed other changes in your teen since this new love interest came into the picture, such as acting secretive, reclusive, or moody. Or it’s just that your teen and their date are moving way too fast, getting too serious and overly involved at the expense of everything else. After all, they’re only teenagers!
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How do we help our kids appreciate technology without becoming all consumed by it? We live in this world of constant connectivity to our devices, and it can be hard for all of us to put the phone down and slowly back away. This is especially true for our teens, since they’re digital natives. They truly don’t know what life was like when you couldn’t just google everything, text a friend, or watch a youtube video to learn what to do.
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Have you noticed a shift in your teens' day-to-day routine and mood? Getting them out the door for school may feel like the same battle each morning as they tearfully beg you to let them stay home again. You may have noticed your teen is increasingly holed up in their room uninterested in hanging out with friends or more reluctant than usual to join the family. Or maybe you’ve heard your frustrated teen complain about being unable to get to sleep, furthering the challenge of getting them moving in the morning. These behaviors may be signs of underlying anxiety that leave you feeling helpless and desperate for solutions to help get your child feeling like themselves again. If so, here are a few tools for supporting your teen through anxiety…
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Throughout my time in this field, more specifically through my work with teens over the years, I have come to notice the most cyclical struggle that continues to emerge as time goes on is lack of confidence. I tend to see a lot of over-caring what people think in conjunction with wanting to impress others. That being said, I thought I’d take this time to first share what I think are contributing factors to this (sometimes lifelong) dilemma, as well as some tips and tricks on what I feel have been most useful in getting teens out of that funk.
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You realize that your teen has been spending even more time alone in their room lately. You practically have to drag them out for dinner, and you’ve given up on wishing they would just voluntarily play on their phone in the den, much less actually hang out with the family. Perhaps they’re doing distance learning, but why do they insist on always being in their room? When you ask how they are, you get a shrug and “fine” as they walk away. You notice they haven’t asked to get together with friends lately either. When you do see your kid, they always seem so low energy and tired.
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I don’t have to tell you that being a parent or support person to a teen is HARD work! Teens are in such a unique stage developmentally--not quite an adult but not quite a child either (although you may beg to disagree at times ;) ). They’re developing the capacity to question, explore, and generate their own ideas and beliefs about the world while their growing brains can cause them to crave intensity (loud music, new experiences) and be highly emotional and impulsive. It can be a tricky combination!
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The parents I’ve worked with over the years care deeply about setting a good example for their teens, guiding them, and showing them love. This may be a part of why there can be a sense of shame around “getting it wrong” with their kids. Society and parents themselves can set almost impossible standards at times for what constitutes “good parenting”. This can make human error, challenges, and unexpected outcomes feel scary. We feel so much empathy for teens when they make mistakes or face challenges but don’t always give parents the same grace.
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