The parents I’ve worked with over the years care deeply about setting a good example for their teens, guiding them, and showing them love. This may be a part of why there can be a sense of shame around “getting it wrong” with their kids. Society and parents themselves can set almost impossible standards at times for what constitutes “good parenting”. This can make human error, challenges, and unexpected outcomes feel scary. We feel so much empathy for teens when they make mistakes or face challenges but don’t always give parents the same grace.
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As a therapist, I am frequently asked by parents if what their teen is going through is normal or if they should be concerned. To be fair, coming to therapy for typical teenage changes is common and very helpful even if it is in the realm of normal. The safe space of the therapy office gives adolescents room to sort through their thoughts and feelings in a way that is not replicable with parents or friends. Having said that, there are times when concerns arise and it is important to have parents more involved. Typically what we look at is danger and impairment. The following major areas come to mind that we will look at more in depth: suicide and self harm, substance use and behavioral issues.
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Teens are constantly comparing themselves to unrealistic expectations of beauty. They have images of flawless people that are portrayed everywhere they look in social media, TV, movies, and magazines. They don’t think about the fact that the majority of these “flawless people” people have gone through plastic surgery and have their photos airbrushed and photo-shopped in order for them to appear so perfect. Instead, teens are asking themselves questions like “Why do I not look perfect like them?” and “What can I do to look just as beautiful?” They might even start assuming, “I’m so ugly and disgusting! Why can’t I be pretty too?” These comparisons and high expectations can lead teens to believe that making changes in their lives like dieting or skipping meals or buying every beauty product imaginable can lead them closer to looking like the beautiful, thin, seemingly perfect, rich and famous people being portrayed to them every day.
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We all know that relationships between teens and their parents, guardians, or any authority figure can be trying. The ways adolescents’ brains are changing and developing (more so than at any other time except ages 0-5) and the ways their identities are forming can naturally put them at odds with parents and authority figures. They’re beginning to think abstractly, question why, and challenge what they don’t agree with. This doesn’t make setting and holding rules and boundaries easy for any adult.
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Lately, in my personal and professional life, I have noticed a common theme. What I have noticed is how hard it can be to make the transition from having a child in the home to having one out of the home. I wanted to create a guide to assist “empty nesters” with living a full life after their child has moved out. If you have been able to raise an independent child, that is a sign that you have found some success as a parent! Unfortunately, after celebrating this milestone many parents are left wondering what to do without kids around.
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With Summer moving swiftly towards a new school year, many parents are faced with the inevitability of their child leaving home and taking another step towards independence and adulthood . Some may be going to college locally or far away, some may be moving out with friends, working more hours, or traveling. Whatever life changes your family is experiencing during this time, there is a shift that will begin to happen for families during this period that is important to acknowledge. For the past eighteen or so years, a parent's focus has been on attending to the needs of the family, their children, and themselves. In the next month or two, a very distinct shift occurs for many families when a young adult leaves home. For those of you not in this boat yet, remember that days are long and years are short, and this moment will be upon you soon enough!
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For this article I will focus on a topic that for many parents can be exciting, turbulent, and sometimes sad and conflicting. While we know that the goal of raising children is to prepare them for adulthood, this transition can feel like a mixed bag at times. Even if your child is living at home after graduation, there is often a shift in tone, routine, and expectations that can be stressful for all involved.
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The term “Mental Health Day” has grown in popularity over the past few years. This typically means taking sick time off work to treat our mental health with the same care and attention as our physical health. Whether the intention is to take care of a family member (or just spend some extra quality time), relax and sleep in to relieve stress, or to regroup after a long week, taking care of our mental health is now more important than ever.
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The holidays can be hard in an average year, and of course, this year has been anything but average. You and your family might be looking at a very different scenario this year, in terms of travel and spending time with family. As the days get shorter and colder, you and your kids might be spending more time inside, and after months and months of being in close quarters, this can be stressful for everyone.
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You realize that your teen has been spending even more time alone in their room lately. You wonder if this is because of how their lives are different with the pandemic. You practically have to drag them out for dinner, and you’ve given up on wishing they would just voluntarily play on their phone in the den, much less actually hang out with the family. You know they’re spending the day doing distance learning, but why do they insist on always being in their room? When you ask how they are, you get a shrug and “fine” as they walk away. You notice they haven’t asked to get together with friends lately either. When you do see your kid, they always seem so low energy and tired.
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I don’t have to tell any of us what a difficult year this has been. Many people are struggling in one way or another, and teens are certainly included. Like all of us, their lives have been turned upside down since March.
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The teenage years can be a volatile time for both parents and their children. The transition from elementary to middle school and then to high school brings excitement but also uncertainty as teens begin to focus more on the development of their social relationships and their individuality. Feelings of insecurity, emotional ups and downs, and bewilderment at how to navigate this time of change are all normal. Since parents can experience all of these feelings too, communication with your teen can become strained and contentious at times.
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Do you see your teen lounging around--eyes glued to their phone constantly--and worry about what kind of adult they’re going to become? Does this seem even worse with the pandemic and all the things they can’t do?? You might be frustrated with your kid’s low energy . . . with their ability to sleep 17 hours a day or with how you have to tell them 8 times to unload the dishwasher, and you wonder when they’ll finally get it together.
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Disclaimer: None of us would have imagined that the world as we knew it would come to a screeching halt because of a pandemic. Now, the horrific scenes of racism, the protests, and the unrest across the country are really concerning, upsetting, and overwhelming. It’s a lot. It’s a lot to take in, a lot to explore our own and our family members’ thoughts and feelings about, a lot to figure out how to respond to, a lot to cope with.
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We’re living in such uncertain times. Different information keeps coming out about how
COVID-19 works, and there’s still much about the virus that we don’t understand. We’re not
quite sure when schools will resume or when people will go back to their offices. It’s hard to plan
for the future. Will there be more stay-at-home orders? Can we plan a vacation? Will the virus
worsen when the weather cools off? Will colleges and universities be all online in the fall? And,
if so, does your teen want to begin their college career this way?
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