How to Thrive After Your Teen Leaves the Nest

Lately, in my personal and professional life, I have noticed a common theme. What I have noticed is how hard it can be to make the transition from having a teen in the home to having one out of the home. I wanted to create a guide to assist “empty nesters” with living a full life after their child has moved out. If you have been able to raise an independent teen, that is a sign that you have found some success as a parent! Unfortunately, after celebrating this milestone many parents are left wondering what to do without kids around. 

Psychologist, Martin Seligman, put forth the PERMA model which has 5 building blocks for well-being and happiness.  Psychology today defines well-being as, “the experience of health, happiness and prosperity. It includes having good mental health, high life satisfaction, and a sense of meaning and purpose.” Being a parent, for many, gives life a purpose. Children can completely fill up your day and often literally force you out of bed! After they are gone, how can a parent continue to fill their day with worthwhile tasks? PERMA is an excellent place for an “empty nester” to start.  See below:

P- positive emotion

E- engagement

R- relationship

M- meaning

A-accomplishment

Let’s start with positive emotion, what can you do to make life more pleasurable? You can start with building upon what is already going well in your life. Think about the idea of gratitude. Seligman says to write what you are grateful for each evening and review the past week’s entries on Sunday. Your gratitude list may look quite different than it did when your children were home with you. If you are having trouble finding things to be grateful for, start with the fact that you are breathing. The more you practice gratitude the better you will get at it. You may start looking at your backyard, partner or dog in a whole new way! 

There is nothing more engaging than watching your teen walk across a graduation stage or shoot a winning basket. Children can be very engaging, but a true gift is to find that engagement within yourself. When is the last time you have felt “in the pocket”, what dancers refer to when they are in perfect sync with the music (doesn’t actually to be with music)? What were you doing? Was this at work, at the gym, in your art studio?  

The next building block is relationship. Parents’ social network often includes being friends with the parents of your children’s friends. When your teen becomes an adult, these relationships may end. How can a parent of an adult child build new relationships or cultivate old ones that may need nourishment? Some ideas could be reaching out to old friends or starting a new hobby. Keep in mind that having good relationships require some vulnerability and a lot of effort. 

Being a parent can be hugely rewarding and can offer a person a sense of purpose. The idea of being a great parent is an intention that guides a parent all day, whether it's preparing healthy meals for your child or giving them dedicated time. Once your teen is living on their own, the day-to-day tasks of parenthood change. What other ways can a person find meaning in their life? It could be through a career, volunteer work, or church involvement. Finding meaning can be especially important because forward thinking helps guide our days.

To grow in the area of accomplishment, set SMART goals for yourself that are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Time specific. Completing SMART goals can increase self-confidence. When you achieve your goal, remember to give yourself lots of validation!

I hope these tips are helpful to you! Know that this transition is a very challenging one. Be patient with yourself.  It can be hard to watch your child live their best  life without you being an important fixture in it. Know that even in your new role as a young adult’s parent, you are still so valuable and loved!

Warmly,

Alexandra Garton, LMFT # 84263 

Thrive Therapy & Counseling

1614 X St., Suite A

Sacramento, CA 95818

916-936-3566

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