Most of us have experienced that frustrating moment when no matter how hard we try to fall asleep we can’t seem to quiet the chatter in our minds, and it feels like all our stresses and fears hit us like a freight train. That chatter is often rumination, and it tends to hit us right when we are trying to fall asleep because we are finally still, and usually distraction free. Rumination is when we dwell on negative feelings and distress in a repetitive manner, which in turn heightens or exacerbates anxious and/or depressive feelings. For anyone familiar with anxiety and depression, rumination can quickly become a core component of the experience.
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Do you believe you should be able to please everyone all the time? Do you become angry with yourself or intensely embarrassed when you make mistakes? You might have some perfectionistic tendencies. Where does perfectionism come from? And how do we begin to transform our perfectionism into discernment, self-care, and respect?
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If you’ve been in therapy before you might be familiar with the idea of coping skills and tools. They can include anything from deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation (PMR), journaling, tapping, and visualization-there are so many wonderful methods to support self regulation. But did you know that most coping skills and tools can be used both reactively and proactively?
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What's interesting is that even in our worry about whether or not we belong--we belong. All people have these concerns. All people want to be accepted and understood and precisely because it matters so much, it will sometimes keep us up at night. We will cry out in the depths of our loneliness, "Do people like me?"
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Regret is an experience none of us escapes. It can be momentary or take up significant portions of our lives. For many of us, it contains feelings of grief, loss, and despair. Whatever the case, it is significant and can leave us feeling lost in the woods. How do we find our way?
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At times in life we are all faced with uncomfortable realizations about ourselves and how we actually come across to other people. Realizing you might be a bit of a Goldilocks is one of those realizations. Most of us have heard the story of “Goldilocks and the Three Bears,” and the origin stems from that story. A “Goldilocks” tends to complain and quickly dismisses any input or attempts at support, immediately justifies reasons as to why something won’t work, and often feels that nobody understands. This can be incredibly frustrating for the people we interact with, and can take an emotional toll on them after a while. So what can we do if we realize we have entered a Goldilocks phase?
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Most of us have heard the story of “Goldilocks and the Three Bears,” and most of us have a Goldilocks in our own lives whether that is at home, at work, or amongst our friends and acquaintances. This is the person that constantly complains and is never satisfied with any advice, direction or attempts at supporting them. They often quickly dismiss any input and immediately have a reason as to why that won’t work and will say that you just don’t understand. Interacting with a Goldilocks can be incredibly frustrating especially since it can feel like we are hearing the same complaints on repeat, and they tend not to act on what we consider to be grounded and reasonable advice and solutions.
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Hot weather impacts sleep, appetite, health, and mental health. As we trudge deeper into the summer season and the heat rises here in California to ridiculous heights, I felt it might be prudent to touch upon how some core factors we monitor in therapy may be impacted by the change in weather.
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"What if I don't like myself?" "What if I hate myself sometimes?" So many of us experience this and wonder if there is something deeply, deeply wrong with us. I've thought about it a lot recently and while I don't believe I have "the answer", I think the answer I have might be helpful for some.
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In addition to anxiety and depression, low motivation is one of the most common reasons I’ve noticed people seek out therapy. There are things that they want to do and things they must do, and they’re really struggling to accomplish their goals. What’s worse is they’re often really hard themselves about their struggles and may end up paralyzed by shame and overwhelm. This can lead to feelings of failure, being stunted, stuck, or not succeeding at life.
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“I get caught in these thought spirals and can’t get out.” “I obsess about all the things that could go wrong.” “I feel paralyzed and can’t take a step in any direction because I’m afraid of making the wrong decision.” Ugh! Anxious thoughts can be so exhausting! They can keep us up at night and weigh us down so much it feels difficult to move. How do we get unstuck and find relief?
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“What if I mess up?” “What if I can’t handle this situation?” “What if I’m rejected?” Phew! Thinking about all the “What-ifs” can be EXHAUSTING! It’s like our fears and insecurities are tapping on our shoulders saying “Hey, HEY, HEY!!!”. They want our attention and won’t let up until we find some way of addressing the issue or some other way to escape. The problem is, escaping or avoiding the what-ifs often prolongs our anxiety and may even cause it to build. How do we find relief?
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“I feel like I don’t do enough to be as tired as I am”. “I did nothing all weekend and I’m still exhausted!” “Why do I need so much rest?” Sound familiar? You’re not alone. Many people are frustrated and confused by how depleted they continue to feel after down-time. They want to feel more energized and refreshed but can’t seem to get the restorative rest they need. Let’s look at why that might be!
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When I think of grief and loss, there are a handful of emotions that come to mind: sadness, anger, fear, agony, overwhelm, and many more that we may not even have words for. All of these are valid. In these moments, I personally have found it helpful to have some guiding pillars to return to and act as my compass while navigating through the intricacies of this experience. Today, I’d like to share those with you all. Whether you’re experiencing grief, loss, or a combination of both I encourage you to remember and exercise the following…
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We live in a very polarized culture. In the U.S., popular discourse seems to be dominated by overly simplistic descriptions of complex situations and people. Who among us has been glad we were not the ones being called out or criticized online? Perhaps we've even participated in criticizing others for being "toxic" or some other popular term for people we despise.
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