The Truth About “I” Statements
Ivy Griffin
For effective communication, it is often advised to use “I” statements. “I” statements are pretty much exactly what they sound like - they comprise a way of communicating that focuses on the thoughts and feelings of the person speaking, rather than the person listening. For example, someone might say “I feel disappointed when you cancel plans with me” rather than “Why can’t you ever follow through on your promises! You’re always flaking on me”. The former phrase allows for accountability for one’s own experience, while the latter incites blame and criticism, which are not helpful in interpersonal conversations.
This is all well and good! I am a big fan of using “I” statements myself when things get relationally tricky. However, there is one linguistic loophole that I hear all too often that ruins the whole premise:
The word “like”.
Yep, that one little word has the power to entirely negate the purpose of this communication tenant. People get caught in the rut of using this word and suddenly “I feel sad” turns into “I feel like you never/always/don’t/etc” and we’re back into all of that blame and criticism we were trying to avoid in the first place!
My invitation to remedy this is to be sure that the phrase “I feel” is actually followed by naming a feeling. “Like” is not a feeling! Feeling “like” something is actually a thought, or a worry, or some other cognitive interpretation of what is going on. Here are some examples and suggestions for replacement phrases:
Instead of: “I feel like you never remember to do what you say you are going to do.”
Try: “I think that you might have forgotten to make that phone call this week.”
Instead of: “I feel like you’re going to upset my parents if you bring up that topic.”
Try: “I’m worried about bringing up that topic with my parents.”
Instead of: “I feel like you aren’t listening to me.”
Try: “I feel misunderstood right now.”
Of course, there will be times where it makes sense to use “I feel like” in a different context, like if you “feel like” going to get ice cream or what have you, but I think you get the gist here. If you struggle to identify feelings and aren’t sure where to start, I find the resource in the link below to be of great benefit. Happy communicating and take care!
http://feelingswheel.com/
- Leigh
Leigh Johnson, AMFT #117551
they/them, he/him
Supervised by Alexandra Garton, LMFT #84263
Thrive Therapy and Counseling
leigh@thrivetherapyandcounseling.com