Your Teen's Communication Style

Think about a recent conversation you had with your teenager - especially if the topic was a difficult one to broach, or one with a history of tension or conflict surrounding it. Did it feel tough to “get through” to your teen or get them to fully participate in the exchange? Or perhaps the attempt to broach the topic lead to an explosive fight, after which you find yourself seething and thinking (or, let’s face it, yelling) “how dare you talk to me that way!” Every adult and every teen has a different approach, or primary style, to navigating communication and conflict. Which one is your teen’s go-to?

The Passive Communicator

Teens who communicate passively may seem like they’re not communicating at all. They can often feel like a “mystery”, seeming lost, distant, and aloof.

Your teen may have a passive communication style if:

• You notice they have a hard time speaking up in friendships and relationships, even when being clearly treated poorly

• You often find yourself wondering what they’re really thinking and feeling

• They present as anxious - speaking softly, avoiding eye contact, or apologizing frequently

If this sounds like your teen, they may need support feeling comfortable and safe to open up. Because passive communicators so often prioritize everyone else’s needs over their own, they may really benefit from some verbal affirmation and encouragement that you value their opinions, thoughts, and feelings. It is also vital that you yourself maintain a direct approach - say what you mean (use “I statements”!) and do what you say (be consistent!).

The Aggressive Communicator

This one tends to be much easier to spot! Teens who have an aggressive communication style often either incite or end up in arguments rather than conversations with others, especially their parents.

Your teen likely has an aggressive communication style if:

• They’re quick to “blow up” in displays of yelling, taking up physical space, and exuding general hostility

• You find yourself feeling angry, frustrated, or even demeaned after trying to talk with them

• They present in a way that comes across as entitled, emboldened, and “always right”

If this sounds familiar, my empathy goes out to you! Many people find this communication style one of (if not THE) most challenging ones. Teens who exhibit aggressiveness like this typically feel that their feelings and needs are more important than those of others. When engaging with a teen who communicates in this way, It may be helpful to plan out your main points in advance so as not to get swept up in the emotional escalation of it all. Do your best to stay on topic. Setting boundaries is also crucial, including walking away if your teen resorts to off-limits behavior such as name calling, insults, or belittling comments to send a message that those tactics won’t allow them to get their way.

The Passive Aggressive Communicator

This communication style is characteristic of the all too typical “snarky teenager” archetype. Kids and teens who engage in passive aggressive communication use indirect expressions - both verbal and nonverbal - to convey their dissent rather than expressing it honestly.

Your teen may passively aggressively communicate if:

• They’re the master of sarcasm, “reads” or “digs”, and (not so) funny comebacks when confronted

• Their statements don’t seem to match their mood - they use terse sayings like “whatever” and  “it’s fine” but in tones that convey otherwise

• They use body language like eye rolling or exaggerated shrugs to dismiss and minimize both your feelings and their own

Instead of adopting a “teens will be teens” attitude with this communication style and ignore or brush off these displays of protest - or worse, resort to passive aggressive comments yourself - try instead to name and call out what’s happening in the moment. A simple, “I’m confused. You’re saying it’s fine but you seem upset” can slow down the interaction and open up space for more honest dialogue. Passive aggressive communicators are actually often fearful of expressing their true feelings, so they may need your support in carving out more space for them to feel comfortable..

The Direct (or Assertive) Communicator

Direct communicators tend to be comfortable with their own feelings and those of others. They are able to take responsibility without blame or judgment and can express their ideas - even disagreement - in a respectful manner.

You teen communicates directly if:

• They’re able to share their feelings, ideas, and options in a calm manner the majority of the time

• They feel comfortable asking for what they need by making straight foward and specific requests to support their goals

• You walk away from interactions with a sense of clarity and understanding - even if you don’t 100% agree with their opinion

Assertive communication is, essentially, the gold standard here - so it’s important that we as adults are modeling this, too! People who primarily communicate in this direct manner are more likely to experience higher self esteem and confidence as well as less stress, anxiety, and depression.

Not all conflict management styles are created equally or consistently. In fact, it’s possible to have differing styles in different types of relationships, such as direct in friendships but passive aggressive with family or vise versa. While each teen has their own unique flair when it comes to communication, my hope is for you to be able to start moving toward more openness and honesty overall.

Best,

Leigh Johnson 

LMFT #146804

Program Analyst

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