A Tool For Developing Self-Compassion
Ivy Griffin
For most of us, self-compassion does not come easily. We more commonly speak to ourselves with self-criticism, often learned early in life from our caregivers, school, and our hyper-individualistic and competitive society. We believe that if we criticize ourselves, we will protect ourselves from being criticized and judged by others. We aim to be perfect so that we can feel safe. In reality, self-criticism only exacerbates suffering.
Self-compassion involves non-judgmentally acknowledging that we are experiencing pain, and embracing an attitude of support and kindness. As earthly beings, we are all intrinsically valuable. We are all unconditionally worthy of compassion.
One tool that can help us develop compassion for ourselves is to imagine a compassionate person or being, real or imaginary. This might be a friend, a pet, a relative, or someone remembered from childhood. It can be someone you have never met, a character from a book, the ocean, or a particular tree. The options are endless, but the key is that you imagine someone who can represent a voice of self-compassion. Invite this someone into your inner world to be your compassionate inner companion.
One of my compassionate inner companions (yes, I have several) is the poet Mary Oliver. Her poetry and life story has served as an inspiration to me as a queer person, abuse survivor, and lover of the natural world. ‘Benjamin, Who Came From Who Knows Where’ and ‘Wild Geese’ are two of Mary Oliver’s poems that I revisit often. During hard times, I imagine what she might say to me in her strong, gentle voice. The setting matters too – sometimes I imagine us walking by a river. Other times, we sit at her kitchen table drinking tea. I always leave my chats with Mary feeling grounded and kinder to myself.
Over time, we can internalize the voice of our inner companion. The self-criticism takes a rest and we begin speaking to ourselves more compassionately. Life’s challenges don’t disappear, but we can support ourselves more lovingly and effectively as we move through them.
Who would your compassionate inner companion be?
Sending compassion your way,
Kayla Ursa, AMFT #126881
Supervised by Alexandra Garton, LMFT #84263
Thrive Therapy
916-287-3430
http://thrivetherapyandcounseling.com/kayla-ursa